Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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