im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
