I wish I could teleport
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
its not stalking. its research.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Randomize
