I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
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Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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