Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
