Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
