you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
