More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
