why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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