Just fell off a train. Bad.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
