i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
