I'm passing your future prison.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Your cock deserves a montage
My breasts were aching with rage.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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