The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
The cops high fived after they tackled you
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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