There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
