70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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