he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
