Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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