You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
