do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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