I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
