I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize