you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
