brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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