If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Randomize
