A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
