is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
