Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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