I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Randomize
