if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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