"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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