I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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