I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
