So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
