He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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