the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
