Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Terrible idea I love it
Who died my cat blue again?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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