Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Welp...herpes.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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