so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
