If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
