I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
