Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
