Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Who died my cat blue again?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
