I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
