so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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