I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Randomize
