As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
