TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
