what day is it and did you see me today?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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