How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize