There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
