omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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