You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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