what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
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i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
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Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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