New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
