By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Yo dont text me then not text me
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
