I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
he told me I talked like a deaf person
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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