she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
We need a shit load of segways right now
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
