Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
