Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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